The Self and Relationships

So in one of my psychology classes this past week we discussed the interplay between relationships and the self. The question arose of which comes first, which gives rise to which: the self or relationships. Society today generally talks about the self giving rise to relationships. He proposed the opposite to be true, however.

His main evidence for thinking this way are the many "feral" children that have been found over they years (the most famous being Victor, found in France in 1799). Whether they grew up isolated, confined, or raised by animals, they all have one thing in common: their mental capacity never passed/passes a toddler's. Not only that, but almost all language and social learning comes after they've been found (I say "almost" only because those found in confined situations sometimes know a couple words, such as the case of Genie). Moreover, as with happened with Sudam Pradhana, he grew up normally until the age of 13; he was then lost in the woods until the age of 24, by which time he had lost all social and language skills. (You can go to www.feralchildren.com to read about more cases.)

Whether he's right or not, it's a very interesting idea. If he's right--and the more I think about it the more I agree with him--then who we choose (and sometimes don't choose) to interact with very much defines who we are. Our relationships make us who we are, and we can't be ourselves (or even fully human) without them. Suddenly who we choose to associate with is a much bigger deal. If we are who we have relationships with, then we really must choose who we associate with very carefully. And we must work hard to have positive relationships, because whatever our relationships are like is what we are like.