Living the Question

Rainer Maria Rilke once wrote, "I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign langauge. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

I rather like this quote. Probably because it was shared with me shortly after I had come to the same conclusion. Living the question should be our goal, not living the answer. Which is a rather difficult thing to grasp. I still don't fully understand it and I've been trying to do it for a few years now. And yet I really think it's the way each person should live. Allow me to explain.

Each of us has family and friends, people we love. I imagine that most people believe in the idea that we should try and love all mankind, each and every person. Perhaps with the rare exception, such as Adolf Hitler or Osama bin Laden, but for the most part, we should love everyone.

How do we do this, however? There are many answers out there. The most common one is probably the well-known Golden Rule: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." A great sentiment. One that is common in my church is service. If we want to love someone, we should serve them. Another great sentiment. And there are many more out there.

But I can't help think that maybe in answering the question we've missed the mark. As we interact with another person, whether it be through talking or actions, we should not be thinking, "I must treat this person as I want to be treated." Instead, in my opinion at least, we should be thinking, "How can I best love this person?" A question should guide our actions, not an answer. If I'm a parent and my kid disobeys me, rather than deciding that either justice or mercy is the correct answer, I should ask myself, "What is the best course of action with this child in this situation?"

If we want to be the best person we can be, we must realize that each context, each set of circumstances, is different. And I don't know about you, but for me living the question is the only way I have even the slightest chance of doing something resembling the right thing.

Hyper-religiosity and (Non)Conformity

So as you may or may not know, depending on how well you know me, I currently work at a substance abuse treatment program where I teach classes. Put simply, I give drug addicts tools and ideas to help them overcome their addictions.

Anyway, today in class we got on the topic of Utah culture and how it's dominated by Mormons and the problems associated with that. I explained my theory as to why Utah culture is kind of messed up: homogeneity leading to hyper-religiosity. I think any time you have too much homogeneity, it leads to extremism. But then I started wondering why that is, and I'm not sure I came to a complete explanation, but I think part of it at least has to do with conformity.

I was thinking about how different groups and classes of people like to separate themselves from others. The classic example are the self-described "nonconformists," those that wear things noticeably different from the norm because they want to be noticed as being different from the norm. As many have correctly said, however, these so-called "nonconformists" in fact just conform to a different set of guidelines/principles/ideologies and in fact aren't really nonconformists at all. But they highlight something I think we all do: focus on what makes us different, unique. And by that, I mean we focus on what makes us along with our group of friends different, because what makes us different and unique makes us important; it gives meaning to our lives.

Thus, in the case of Mormons and Utah, what makes us different is not drinking coffee, not cursing, and a host of other rules and commandments and traditions that are less important for salvation but more important for our own personal security and identity. And I think often--especially in areas where there is more homogeneity--these less important rules and traditions become more important than the truly important commandments and laws, even when we don't mean them to be. Nor do I think Mormons are unique in doing this. I think similar phenomena can be seen in polygamist colonies, among Evangelical Christians, and among Muslim extremists in the Middle East.

So I think the question is: What can be done about it? And I hate to break it to you, but I don't have an answer to that. We can try fighting against those ideas and social norms that we don't agree with, but that can lead to serious problems. A Mormon can't very well drastically reject the social norms, because that would lead to breaking commandments. Yet if said Mormon then completely acquiesces to the social norms, then s/he just contributes to the problem.

So I think the answer has to lie somewhere in the middle, but for one that's incredibly difficult, and for two I'm not convinced that it actually does any good. As someone who's been trying for 25 years trying to stay in that middle ground, I can say that I feel totally lost the vast majority of the time. I don't really have any group of friends that I hang out with, nor have I ever had one. I have a few good friends here and there, but staying in the middle means not really conforming to anyone one group's standards, which means not conforming enough to be a true part of that group. Thus, you end up in a void with lots of acquaintances but few real friends.

Also, I don't know that my being in the middle (or at least attempt at) has done any good whatsoever. All I know is that I can't bring myself to do otherwise; I'm already too far down this path. So here's to hoping.

Agency

So seeing as how agency was a big theme this past General Conference, I decided to give some of my thoughts on the subject, as it is something I've thought a lot about. In Conference and during various Sunday School lessons, agency has been defined. The definition that has almost always been given is the right or ability to choose. I, however, am not so sure that's the case. Well, I should clarify a bit. I think when we talk of agency today, that is the definition we use; but I don't think that's the correct definition of agency when it is used in scripture. Come with me on a little journey as I will attempt to explain what I see as the correct scriptural definition of agency.

To start off, we go to Moses 4:3, where we learn that Satan tried to "destroy the agency of man." We also know from a number of scriptures, including the very next verse, that Satan seeks to lead us captive--in other words, enslave us. So it seems logical to assume that there is something about agency that allows us to be free, to avoid captivity. I think most people are still with me, but here is where I think I divert from most people.

See, I think most people would say that it is agency itself that makes us free, that as agency and choice decrease, captivity increases. As far as I can tell, however, that is not what the scriptures say. For example, look at 2 Nephi 2:27, where is states that "men are free to choose captivity and death." Nowhere in that verse or in surrounding verses does it say that one must give up one's choice in order to be captive. In fact, it seems to say that choice is a necessary condition or prerequisite of being captive. I think this interpretation is supported when you consider the fact that men are also able to "choose liberty," as 2 Nephi 2:27 also states. If choice was what made men free, then why would they have to "choose liberty?"

Now let's take a look at an oft-quoted scripture in the New Testament: John 8:32, which states, "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free" (emphasis added). This verse seems to say that it is not choice that makes us free, but rather the truth. So, if my analysis is correct, then agency must be inseparably connected with truth. Which means, as I see it, that the correct scriptural definition of agency is not "the ability or right to choose," but rather "living truthfully" or "living according to truth."

Now what does this mean? Well, I'm not sure I have it all worked out yet. I can tell you that I know of two definitions of truth in the scriptures: 1) In John 14:6, Jesus says, "I am the way, the truth, and the life" (emphasis added), meaning that one definition of truth is Christ; 2) In Doctrine and Covenants 93:24, we read, "And truth is knowledge of things as they are, and as they were, and as they are to come," meaning another definition of truth is knowledge about reality, about the way things really are. As far as I can tell, either "living according to Christ/living Christlike" and "living in and according to reality" can both work for the definition of agency. In fact, I think both are supposed to work as definitions of agency. I just haven't yet quite worked out what they both mean exactly or how to actually do/live either of them. Let me know if you do.

God's Omniscience

So the more I think about it, the less convinced I am that God is omniscient in the way we generally understand it. We generally think that omniscience means that God knows everything about everything, including the future. He knows exactly what will happen when, no matter how mundane.

I think that this definition of omniscience destroys agency. Allow me to explain. Let's say God knows that I am going to to have to choose between choices A, B, and C tomorrow. Moreover, He knows that I'm going to choose B. Now, many argue that His knowledge of my choice does not determine that choice, but I'm not so sure. I think a requirement of choice is possibility, and God knowing that my choice will be B eliminates A and C from being possibilities.


Think of it this way. Let's say you come to a three-way fork in a road. Paths X and Z, however, are covered or camouflaged such that you never knew they were there. Thus, you chose Path Y. Would you really say that you chose Path B, though? I know I wouldn't. For me it's not a choice unless I know all the options available. I can't choose Path Y unless I know that Paths X and Z are also viable options.


Now, obviously there is a difference between the two scenarios: my knowledge/understanding of the circumstances. In the first case, I know that A and C are also viable options. In the second scenario, I don't know that X and Z are. Which raises the $64,000 question: Do you need different viable options or do you just need knowledge or understanding of different viable options in order to have agency?


I think you need both. Obviously you need some sort of knowledge or understanding of the different options available to you, but I think that those options have to actually be available. However, if God knows--for certain--which option you are going to choose, then how can you call A and C actual options? You can't choose A, because it's already been determined that you will choose B, and you can't choose C for the same reason; God may not have determined it, but it has been determined. Because it can't be any other way. And because you can't have a choice determined and still have it be a choice, I'm not so convinced that God's omniscience includes knowledge of our future choices.

Hiatus

So I haven't posted anything for a rather long time, and lately I've been trying to figure out why. The best answer I can come up with is that I was trying to fully process all the stuff I was working out before. It's one thing to come to a new understanding or new way of thinking about life and how to live, but it's quite another to actually live that way; to live according to that new understanding. I think that's what I've been doing, so I wasn't really able to think about any new stuff. I think I've managed to process it enough now, though, because I've now started thinking about new questions that I'm going to be discussing here. So stay tuned. Or don't. Either way, I'm going to be posting stuff, so it doesn't make a huge difference to me.

The Self and Relationships

So in one of my psychology classes this past week we discussed the interplay between relationships and the self. The question arose of which comes first, which gives rise to which: the self or relationships. Society today generally talks about the self giving rise to relationships. He proposed the opposite to be true, however.

His main evidence for thinking this way are the many "feral" children that have been found over they years (the most famous being Victor, found in France in 1799). Whether they grew up isolated, confined, or raised by animals, they all have one thing in common: their mental capacity never passed/passes a toddler's. Not only that, but almost all language and social learning comes after they've been found (I say "almost" only because those found in confined situations sometimes know a couple words, such as the case of Genie). Moreover, as with happened with Sudam Pradhana, he grew up normally until the age of 13; he was then lost in the woods until the age of 24, by which time he had lost all social and language skills. (You can go to www.feralchildren.com to read about more cases.)

Whether he's right or not, it's a very interesting idea. If he's right--and the more I think about it the more I agree with him--then who we choose (and sometimes don't choose) to interact with very much defines who we are. Our relationships make us who we are, and we can't be ourselves (or even fully human) without them. Suddenly who we choose to associate with is a much bigger deal. If we are who we have relationships with, then we really must choose who we associate with very carefully. And we must work hard to have positive relationships, because whatever our relationships are like is what we are like.

Judging on Being vs. Judging on Becoming

So I'm just going to put this out there, in case you didn't know (in which case I'm not entirely sure why you're reading my blog, as you obviously don't know me, because it's my most apparent quality): I'm obnoxious. Ridiculously obnoxious. Sometimes offensively obnoxious.

I say this because lately some of my obnoxious comments have prompted people to stop associating with me. The comments in question were political in nature, and that did have something to do with it; they said, however, that it wasn't the comments/opinions themselves, but how they were expressed that caused them to want to break off association.

Beyond the obvious "Really??" reaction that I and others like me are prone to have in this situation, is a deeper issue. And it was actually this with relation to other experiences I've had that helped me come to this realization. (I know it may surprise you, but my obnoxiousness is not my only quality that's been criticized over the years.)

I was thinking about this idea, about how people choose who they associate with, are friends with, date, marry, what have you, and I realized a couple things. I realized: 1) that people make these judgments based on who people are; and 2) that this outlook can be severely limiting and downright wrong.

Now, obviously some judgments must be made on who a person is. For example, I know no child of mine is going to go play at a convicted pedophile's house. But this can't be the end of what judgments we make. Truly, at least as important and most likely more important than our judgments on who a person is is who a person is becoming.

See, no person on Earth is perfect. Christ was and is perfect, but He no longer lives on Earth. and Enoch and Melchizedek and their respective cities became perfect, but as soon as they reached perfection, they were taken from the Earth. So what do any of us imperfect people really know about what or who a person should be? Answer: precious little.

Of course, that doesn't stop us from trying to act like we do. We're always ready to tell people when they're doing something wrong, what Christlike faith or charity is, what the correct attitude is, etc. The Gospel explains these attributes to us in abstract terms, but no one really understands what they really mean. Even the prophet, as intelligent and wise as he is, has a severely limited understanding.

So then why do we continue to make judgments based on who people are? Rather, the more prudent route would be to make judgments based on who they're becoming. Are they becoming more like Christ or not? That is the true measure of a man. Or woman.